Faking it? You're not the only one.

impostersyndrome

Imposters are all around us…

You graduate high school and are off to University. Your parents tell you not to worry and just “fake it till you make it”. You stick it out in school and remind yourself that this is the time for fun before the big bad real world becomes your reality. Besides, you didn’t really do much to get into University, it was a result of being lucky in high school. You work hard and graduate, telling yourself that everyone graduates and most of your classmates are much smarter than you are. You move to the big city, get the job of your dreams and all of a sudden your confidence comes crashing down like the tower of Jenga you once played with in the good ol’ days.

You start to notice yourself sitting at your desk wondering if your colleagues are starting to figure out that you don’t know what you are doing at work. The sight of your boss rounding the corner gets your heart racing, you start dripping with sweat and your mind races with thoughts like “my boss is going to realize I have no idea what I’m talking about”, “I don’t belong here” and “it’s only a matter of time before they all figure out my secret”.

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When will they find out that I’m really an IMPOSTER?

Does this sound familiar? Likely. Imposter Syndrome is a real thing. And a LOT of us live with these types of thoughts which result in negative consequences including chronic self doubt, negative self-talk, low self-esteem and feelings of intellectual fraudulence. Researchers believe that approximately 70% of us live with these feelings at some point in our lives which means that most of us are inflicted by these unhelpful thoughts, myself included.

By definition, Imposter Syndrome, coined by Psychologists in 1978, is a collection of feelings of inadequacy despite evidence that suggests the opposite is true. It’s the feeling that you are posing as a competent successful employee but in reality you are incompetent, not good enough, and essentially a fraud. You notice patterns of thought that over internalize failure, attribute your success to luck, and discount your success. These patterns of thinking can leave us feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and paralyzed with fear.

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Wondering if you are living with Imposter Syndrome?

Common signs include:

1. Feeling anxious when others give you praise. You feel like you will be unable to live up to their expectations. For example, “They may think I’m great at presentations but if they really knew the truth they would know I am faking it”.

2. You worry you will be “found out” for not being good enough, smart enough, etc.

3. You attribute your success to luck. For example, “I was only accepted to the program because I’m lucky” or “I lack the skills to do the job so it was a fluke I got the offer”

3. You believe you are less intelligent than others. For example, “My friends are smarter than I am” or “I am not as smart as people think I am”.

4. You seek validation from others but don’t believe what they tell you. For example, asking people if you are good enough but when the offer you evidence you negate it.

If you are feeling this way, you can practice shifting these patterns of thinking by examining the evidence related to each of these unhelpful thoughts. What makes these thoughts not true? What evidence suggests differently? In therapy, we use this strategy among others to teach you have to shift your perspective of yourself to reduce your physical symptoms, improve your mood and increase your sense of self worth.

IF YOU ARE LIVING WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME, THERAPY CAN HELP you to reduce your anxiety. boost your sense of self-worth, AND trust your skills!

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For more info, or to book your first session, please complete the form below.

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Good Grief...

Have you experienced a recent loss and feeling like you are unsure of how to “move forward’? Are people telling you to just “get over it” or that “there are more fish in the sea” but you just can’t seem to think that way? Do you find yourself feeling sad, in pain, unmotivated, isolating yourself, anxious or broken hearted? You are likely experiencing the normal reaction to a loss, called grief.

Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a 'map' for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”
- Anne Grant

Grief is a normal reaction to a loss of any kind. This loss may include the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a separation or divorce, a pet, a job, a move or any change to a familiar pattern in our life.  As a society, we tend to hold some myths about grief. These myths include that one should grieve alone, that one shouldn’t be sad. A loss is a loss and there is no “acceptable” list of what is okay to grieve, whether a person, place or thing. Oftentimes, people need help working through the emotions surrounding the loss to move forward and to feel happiness again.

If you are struggling with the emotions related to grief, try these 8 “good grief” tips:

  1. You don’t have to grieve alone. Talk about your grief with loved ones, family members, trusted professionals including counsellors, your doctor, a spiritual leader or another person you trust.
  2. Grief is a journey, not an event. Recognize that completing the loss takes time and there is no “quick fix”. Allow yourself permission to treat it like a process, which can help to reduce any guilt you may be holding about not being able to “just get over it”. That’s normal. It’s a process.
  3. Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Often, people who are grieving tell me they hold it inside to try to reassure others that they are “okay”. It’s time to let go of the Oscar worthy performance and to acknowledge the emotions, the totally normal emotions, that come with a loss. It’s okay to not be okay. Try sitting in the emotion, journaling how you are feeling, and recognize that feelings such as guilt, sadness, relief, hopelessness, anger and longing are a totally normal response to a loss.
  4. Grief work TAKES work. Be okay with putting in the work to resolve the feelings, the sense of needing fulfillment from the lost loved one and finding forgiveness from within. The work may be painful but the way to move forward is to dive deep into the work and be realistic about your needs.
  5. Seek out other grievers. We do not need to grieve alone. Support groups such as the groups offered by Bereaved Families of Ontario can help. Support groups help to normalize our experiences and remind us that we are not alone.
  6. Write your loved one a letter. You may wish to write down what you might say to your loved one should you be able to speak to them one more time. You may want to detail what it’s been like without them, list some apologies or statements of forgiveness, or maybe just share with them how you’ve managed since the loss. Writing this letter may help you work through your grief.
  7. Grief can be confusing. There are many complicated feelings that come with grieving the loss of a loved one. These feelings can be confusing or overwhelming. They can be conflicting especially if there are factors that might have complicated the loss. A grief counsellor can help you manage these feelings.
  8. Take care of yourself. Self-care is critical during times of loss. Notice if exercising helps you to feel better. Nourish your body and your mind through healthy meals and meditation. See your doctor. Stay connected to your needs.

Grief tries to rob us of social support, please remember that you are not alone. If you are struggling in your journey of completing your grief, grief counselling can help.

For more information on grieving, check out this TEDTalk by Dr. Geoff Warburton.

I also recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman for more information on the myths of grieving and strategies to overcome a loss.

by Megan Rafuse MSW RSW, social worker and psychotherapist

Introducing the "Spring Tune-Up"

Spring is here (finally)! Mother nature is transitioning us from a stagnant winter to a time of renewal, growth and change.  Spring lends to us a feeling of hope for what's to come and a desire to purge the weight of winter to allow us a sense of lightness in our being. 

For many of us, we follow a tradition of spring cleaning. A ritual that helps us to clear the clutter of our lives that has accumulated over the winter and allow for space to start anew. Like the arrival of spring, our minds can use a time of change. A shift in perspective, a defining of goals, a seeking of answers and desire for growth. My clients often tell me they are most inspired in spring as they can feel change in the air. It's electric. I want to help guide you into your goals through thoughtful reflection, concrete strategies, and allowing a respectful space of sharing and openness. 

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That's where the "Spring Tune-Up" comes in. I'm offering a three session package of in-person sessions (weekly for three weeks) to transform you from the winter state of mind to one of increased motivation and hope. The Spring Tune-Up is aimed at providing direction and guidance on how to maintain this sense of hope and challenge any clutter in your mind that may be distracting from and inhibiting your ability to change. I'm offering this package for $285, a savings of $75, for new clients who would like to set goals, develop strategies to meet those goals and challenge old ways of thinking to make way for new perspectives. 

For more information, please contact me via email at info@meganrafuse.com or fill out the contact form here for a quick reply. I look forward to ushering in spring, reducing mental clutter and inspiring change! 

Favourite Books List

Spring is on it's way...(or so the calendar wants us to believe)...

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.
— Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

I've been doing some spring cleaning and spent some time going through my bookshelf and looking over the self-help books that I love the most. If you see me for therapy you already know how much I love to encourage you to do some reading between sessions and I have likely recommended some relevant readings to you. I find I tend to recommend a lot of the same books (my favourites and the ones I get the best feedback about) over and over so I decided to add a favourite books section on my site so you can be in the know and even pick up a few of them for some summer beach reading (I'm kidding, sorta)! 

I will be working hard to update the list as I go and to also write some blog articles on why they are my favourites. With these great updates to technology, I have even included the links to the books with an area to click should you wish to purchase it on Amazon (full disclosure: if you do buy the book from the "buy now" button I do get a very very small percentage of the purchase from Amazon). I added this feature out of sheer convenience but wanted to be open with you, as you already know transparency is a super important part of my therapy practice.

You can find the list here or under Therapy Services; Favourite Readings. Let me know what you think about the suggestions and if you have any you just love that I don't have on this list.

Till next time, M. 

 

Exciting News!

Hello friends!

Welcome to my brand new website. It's been a lot of hard work in the making to ensure you get all the updated information about my therapy services, the chance to sign up for my newsletter and updates via email and now you can also follow my brand spankin' new blog!

I'll be writing articles about hot topics in psychotherapy, about happenings around the city that I think are relevant to mental health and reducing stigma, some fun tidbits and strategies you can work on to manage your wellness and that of those around you.

If there is a topic you'd like to hear more about please feel free to email me and I'll do my best to dig in, do some research and write about it. Otherwise, if your more into seeking therapy services please do not hesitate to get in touch via phone or email. Should you have to leave a voicemail, please do and I will be happy to get back to you usually within one-two business days.

I hope this new blog will give you a chance to get to know a little bit more about me, my practice and my straight up, transparent, and even sometimes humourous approach to mental health and wellness. I am so privileged to be able to get to know my clients, their individual strengths and struggles and to be a part of their  journey in moving forward. I'm looking forward to sharing some of what keeps me inspired (and maybe sometimes frustrated) as a human, a therapist, and an information sharer (ie: blogger).

On your mark. Get set. Let's do this...

Let's start this journey of self-care, information seeking and wellness building and see where it takes us...like most new explorations, I'm sure it'll be an adventure in trial and error. I'm up for the challenge.

Megan